The Exchange Student – Chapter 12

Anna squirmed, staring up at Karissa, hardly able to believe what she was about to say. She suspected the other girls knew that she was diapered, hadn’t bought her excuse that the rash cream wasn’t for her, but if they got here before a decision was made, saw the diapers, that would guarantee they did… She could tell herself that was her main motivation as much as she wanted, however, she couldn’t deny that the sight of the Pampers, the thought she might be able to wear them, excited her.

“Umm…” she gulped, hoping Karissa wouldn’t be too mad at her. “K-Kiki can change me.”

Kiki beamed. “I knew one of you would see reason,” she smirked. “I just made the mistake of assuming it would be the adult. Come on, cutie.” She held out her hand and Anna nervously took it, letting herself be led away from the registers to the bathroom, Karissa following behind. From the glimpse Anna got of her, peering back over her shoulder, she didn’t seem particularly pleased.

Once they’d reached the bathroom door, Kiki spun around, holding out her hand. “Rash cream, please,” she requested.

“I’m coming with…” Karissa started to protest.

“The bathroom really isn’t that big,” Kiki shrugged. “I think Anna here would be more comfortable if we didn’t crowd her, isn’t that right, sweetie?”

Anna’s eyes widened, having not expected to have her opinion considered, much less asked for. “I-I don’t…” she shook her head.

“See?” Kiki told Karissa smugly.

“N-No!” Anna shook her head. “I-I didn’t mean… I-I wasn’t…”

“Whatever,” Karissa rolled her eyes, taking the tub of rash cream out of her shopping bag and plopping it into Kiki’s hand.

A pit grew in Anna’s stomach as Kiki yanked her into the bathroom, hoping that Karissa didn’t take this badly, that she knew Kiki had misinterpreted what she was trying to say, that she wasn’t insulted that the last two times she’d needed a diaper change, she’d gone to other people. It was wild, she thought, that she’d been bold enough to do that, that she’d not simply thanked her lucky stars that the first one had worked out well, and stuck with her…

“Here we are!” Kiki declared, closing the bathroom door and locking it behind her. She was right that the bathroom was on the small side, although there would have been room for Karissa to stand, to watch. Now, Anna was trapped in here with Kiki, alone… If there had been any question of whether she’d be able to push her way past the girl, make it to the door and unlock it to get out, should the need arise, it was answered when Kiki unfolded the changing table from the wall and easily picked Anna up and set her down on it.

Anna’s head swum a bit; had it been today that she’d diapered herself on one of these tables, at least partially? It felt like a year ago now, and, with the flight, and the time change, and the nap, it was hard to deduce for certain if it technically had been the same day. She recalled how excited she’d been then, and now she was actually going to be changed on it, rather than using it mostly as a table.

“I’m going to get you all cleaned up, okay, sweetie?” Kiki cooed, sliding Anna’s shorts down from around her diaper, tugging them over her shoes, setting them aside. “Those diapers are adorable! Where do your Mommy and Daddy order those from?”

Anna blushed, wiggling in her seat. “I-I dunno,” she replied bashfully. She did, of course… She’d bought them herself, had agonized over the decision, had found out basically all there was to know about them beforehand, but she wasn’t going to tell Kiki that, obviously.

“Aww,” Kiki laughed, thankfully unbothered, seemingly. “Do you know what they’re called?”

She definitely wasn’t going to admit to that, since the brand name made it pretty obvious they were for adult babies, and even if Kiki didn’t know what an AB was, a quick Google would tell her. She shrugged, cheeks continuing to heat up.

“That’s all right,” Kiki smiled, turning her, then pushing her down onto the changing table, Anna’s heart thumping as she felt the plastic surface beneath her, let it fully sink in that it was really happening, that she was about to be changed there. And, as a final confirmation of that, Kiki grabbed either side of the strap built into the table, pulling them up, snapping them together over Anna’s waist.

Anna tried to sit up in surprise, reaching for it, only to have Kiki swat her hands away with one of her own, the other gently lowering Anna onto her back again, Anna feeling tinier than ever, being so easily and expertly managed while she was strapped to a changing table in public, about to have her diaper changed.

“You made the right choice,” Kiki assured her, digging into her purse, pulling out travel-sized packs of baby wipes and powder. “I bet Karissa didn’t even think to bring these along with her.”

“W-We were only gonna be out for a minute,” Anna felt the need to defend the other girl.

“That’s no excuse,” Kiki sniffed. “A good babysitter is always prepared… And aren’t you lucky I’m one of them?”

Anna fidgeted, feeling guilty, not wanting to bad mouth Karissa after she’d been so nice to her all day. “K-Karissa…” she started, falling silent at the sound of her diaper’s tape being ripped open, the sensation of fresh air on her crotch.

“Karissa’s mom let her start babysitting like three months before me,” Kiki grumbled. “That’s the only reason she got the good clients over me.”

Anna stayed quiet while Kiki wiped her off, not knowing enough about the situation – or what might upset Kiki more if she said it – to speak… And then Kiki took out the package of Pampers and ripped it open, and Anna couldn’t talk. It was actually happening… Kiki lifted Anna’s bottom up off the changing table, sliding the wet diaper out and the fresh one in, Anna’s heart fluttering at the sound of the crinkle, at the bulk of the padding beneath her. It was probably her imagination enhancing it, since she did know what it was, but both seemed so much more pronounced than with her old diaper… It didn’t feel significantly smaller, either, so her worries about it not fitting were quickly banished.

“Oh, you like them, huh?” Kiki teased, pausing to watch Anna wiggle on top of the diaper. “I knew you would.”

“Th-They’re okay,” Anna lied. “I-I don’t really need them that much…”

“No?” Kiki chuckled, bundling the wipes she’d used up into the old diaper, wrapping them all into a ball, weighing it in one hand. “This is pretty heavy to come from someone who doesn’t need diapers that much…”

“B-But I…” Anna’s face warmed up. She hadn’t wet that much… Had she? She’d been wearing it only moments ago, and already, she wasn’t so certain of the answer, not when Kiki, who seemed so much more responsible, so much more mature, so much more experienced, than her had said otherwise.

“It’s all right,” Kiki promised. “That’s what they’re there for. I’ll make it all better!” She unscrewed the tub of diaper rash cream, dipping her fingers into it, massaging it into Anna’s reddened skin. Anna squirmed, a part of her regretting her choice, not having fully thought about how intimate this was, how strange it would be to have this girl she didn’t know touching her down there, although Kiki showed no signs of finding it weird, of it bothering her, of her looking at Anna as anything more than any other toddler.

“I bet you like the smell of powder, too, huh?” Kiki smiled after she was done with the cream, wiping her hands off. Anna nodded shyly, prompting Kiki to put a liberal amount on before tugging the front of the diaper up between Anna’s legs. Kiki pulled the sides nice and tight before fastening the tapes, and then, just like that, it was done. Anna was in Pampers.

Kiki smiled proudly, giving her handiwork a crinkly pat. “There, aren’t those better?” she asked.

Anna couldn’t tell for sure; all she knew was they felt better right now, that looking down and seeing those baby diapers on her, fitting her so perfectly, as if they’d been made for her, was making it difficult to remember that she wasn’t a baby, much more-so than with her old diapers. She nodded shyly, catching her hand millimeters away from her face, from attempting to slip her thumb into her mouth instinctively. She blushed, yanking it away self-consciously.

“I thought so,” Kiki declared. “You wait right there while I wash my hands, okay?”

Anna didn’t have much of a choice. She probably could have undone the buckle on the strap without too much trouble at the start of the change, but now the idea of fiddling with it, trying to deduce how it worked, was overwhelming for a silly little toddler like her, squirming around in her Pampers.

“What a cutie,” Kiki giggled, returning to Anna’s side. “Now, then, Anna, why don’t we talk about what you can do for me in return for all this help I’ve given you?”

“H-Huh?” Anna frowned, blinked uncertainly.

“Well, sweetie,” Kiki leaned over her, “you see, my mom works in the office at the school, so I know the new transfer student’s name, and who she’s staying with, and I’ve even seen her picture, because mom wanted me to be sure to be nice to her so she wouldn’t be scared all alone in a strange country… I’d say I’ve done a pretty good job of that so far, don’t you think, Anna?”

Anna gasped, eyes widening as she stared up at Kiki. “W-Wait, you..?!”

“I wasn’t positive at first, because you really are a cute little girl, but it was such a weird coincidence that you happened to have the same name, and looked so similar…”

Anna squirmed on the changing table, tears welling in her eyes. “A-Are you gonna tell everyone?” she asked quietly.

“No, no, of course not,” Kiki stroked her hair. “Not if you’re a good girl and do as I say. I could even help out, tell our friends that Little Anna, who they met at the convenience store, was your baby sister, who came to visit when you first arrived, and has the same nickname as you because she looks up to you so much…”

“B-But…” Anna sniffled, “if they find out about my diapers, won’t they..?”

Kiki snickered. “Wait, are you planning on wearing diapers to school?”

Anna gulped, biting her bottom lip. “I-I don’t have any panties with me…”

“Oh, my God,” Kiki giggled. “You know, I know a girl a bit older than us who just moved in, so not many people know her… I wonder if I could talk her into pretending to be you at high school so I could enroll you in kindergarten, where you’d fit in so much better…”

“Kindergarten?!” Anna squealed, though she had to admit the idea was exciting, in an extremely embarrassing way. Coming all this way to be an exchange student, only to wind up enrolled in kindergarten, spending her days pretending to learn her numbers and the alphabet, doing crafts, taking naps…

“I don’t know,” Kiki shrugged. “Maybe that’s too silly… I could borrow you tomorrow, though, take you to the playground, have you tell all of Karissa’s babysitting charges about how you think I’m so much more fun than her, so they’ll ask their parents to try me out.”

“B-But Karissa has been so nice to me,” Anna pouted. “I-I don’t wanna…”

Kiki’s eyes lit up. “Oh! You know what? Maybe there’s something better… Maybe before she goes out on her babysitting jobs, I could have you slip a little something into her water cup to make her have an accident while she’s there. I bet her charges would love to tattle on her to their parents afterwards, and they’d definitely know she isn’t suited to be a sitter…”

“No!” Anna protested. “I-I can’t do that to her!”

“Well, Anna,” Kiki told her, glaring down at Anna, strapped to the table, struggling against the strip of fabric holding her there, feeling trapped, helpless, “you’re going to do something, or else I’m going to make sure you regret it.”

Anna blushed, feeling a trickle of wetness in her Pamper already, shocked at how quickly Kiki had turned, had shown her true face. She didn’t want to cross her, to see what she might do if she said no… But she didn’t want to betray her friend – and roommate – Karissa, either. What should she do?!

Should Anna…

Agree to go to the playground with Kiki tomorrow?

Agree to drug Karissa?

Agree to try going to kindergarten?

Or say no to all of them and risk Kiki’s wrath?

This decision has already been made, but if you’d like to catch up on the story, and help decide where it goes next, you can find it, and other exclusive stories, at my Patreon!

Baby Lucy

A sequel to this short.

“B-But…” Lucy pouted, squirming in the chair unhappily. “I-I thought that maybe…”

One glare from the owner was enough to silence her, despite how much Lucy had told herself she was going to stand up for herself, be assertive. It was one thing to say that, however, and another to do it while sitting in front of her person she’d signed a contract with while wearing only a t-shirt, fuzzy knee socks, and one of her now ever-present diapers.

“Our agreement was that you would post on your channel,” the owner reminded her.

“It is my channel!” Lucy grumbled. “It’s just a new channel…”

The owner sighed. “Exactly. A new channel with very few subscribers, that you haven’t advertised to the viewers of your old channel whatsoever.”

That had, of course, been the whole point… Lucy had gone back to her natural hair color as well, trying to put as much distance between her Little Lucy channel and her new one, hoping that if somebody did stumble across the latter, they might not make the connection… Maybe. It was a bit silly, she knew, since she still looked the same otherwise, and the last few videos she’d posted on her old channel had been pointing in this direction…

She hadn’t been able to tell her viewers the truth, though, to upload that last video confessing that she had failed her potty training, been demoted back to the nursery, and full-time diapers while she was there. It wasn’t fair!

Even less fair were the workers in the nursery. “Come on,” she’d beg. “Just move my old chart in here! I’ll prove that I’m a big girl in no time!”

“No, Lucy,” they’d scold. “If you were ready for potty training, you’d still be on the daycare side. You don’t have to worry about that here.”

“Then send me back over there!” Lucy would demand, stomping her feet. “I am potty trained! I had a couple accidents, that’s all!” All that would do was get her sent to the corner for a while, or put down for a nap early. What it never did was earn her a trip to the potty.

And, to add insult to injury, the last time she’d been called in to talk to the owner, it had been decided that she wasn’t allowed to wear anything that would cover her diaper. “You’re reviewing them now, right?” the woman had asked. “What better way to remind your viewers which one you’re currently wearing than to have it on display? Plus, they can see from the outside how well it shows usage.”

“I can tell them about that!” Lucy had whined. “Why can’t you trust me to make my videos the way I want?”

“Because I haven’t seen a video from you in a while,” the owner had countered. “I assume you’re having trouble editing them, so that would be one less thing for you to have to worry about remembering to add in. And, until you’re caught up with the videos you’re supposed to have posted, that’s going to be your rule.”

That was when Lucy decided to make her Baby Lucy channel, thinking that loophole might be the trick she needed to get out of this mess with her dignity relatively intact. Unfortunately, it seemed that wasn’t going to work, either.

“Post the videos on your main channel,” the owner ordered, “unless you’d like to be sued for breach of contract?”

Lucy shook her head fearfully. “N-No, ma’am,” she squeaked. “I-I wouldn’t…”

The owner chuckled. “I didn’t think so. And I’d say it’s time for a new ad as well… You aren’t going to object to that, are you?”

Lucy sighed, gritted her teeth, positive that was a thinly veiled threat. “No, ma’am,” she repeated herself. “I won’t…”

“Good girl,” the owner smiled. “I have the cutest idea…”

The Exchange Student – Chapter 11

Anna felt her face light up as she heard Karissa’s answer, going a bit light-headed. “Yes, actually,” her new roommate told her friends. Anna wasn’t sure if she was delighted by this, or horrified, if she ought to be offended or excited. It was all so much… The one thing she could say for certain was that she’d never felt tinier, standing there with her diaper under her shorts, facing a flock of her contemporaries, being introduced not as one of them, but somebody that Karissa was babysitting.

Karissa chuckled, which didn’t help matters, either, although she did reach out, rub Anna’s back lightly. “Isn’t she adorable?” she asked her friends, Anna growing more flustered as the other girls agreed eagerly, cooing and smiling down at her, none showing any signs that they suspected she was the same age as them.

She could feel her diaper growing ever so slightly warm, her image of herself – if not her actual body – becoming smaller and smaller. Wasn’t this what she’d wanted? To come over here, to an entirely new country, somewhere she could start over, let herself be seen, and treated, as a little girl who needed her diapers? It was going even better than she could have hoped, yet she couldn’t help being almost a touch offended that not a single one appeared to question that she might be too old for a sitter, much less the diapers they very well could suspect she was wearing.

“Come on, Anna,” Karissa urged gently. “Say hi!”

Her hand slipped downwards, Anna’s heart pounding as she felt it slide over the seat of her diaper, give it a pat, right in front of everyone. It was hard to tell if it was intentional – or, if it was, if it had been meant to humiliate her – or if her instincts were taking over, making her treat Anna like any other babysitting client, though the latter was definitely the end result.

Anna clumsily toddled forward, feeling surrounded by the bigger girls, barely able to force herself to let go of her shirt with one hand long enough to give a small wave, the other’s grip on the hem only tightening in response. “H-Hi,” she squeaked out.

“Oh, my God,” one of the other girls giggled, bending down to pinch Anna’s cheeks. “You have to give me her parents’ number! I wanna babysit her so bad!” She glanced up at Karissa with an awkward chuckle. “I mean, when you aren’t available, of course… I’d never want to encroach on your territory…”

“Yeah, right, Kiki,” another girl rolled her eyes and smirked.

“Well, it isn’t fair!” Kiki grumbled, pouting. “She gets to look after all the cuties! First Gwen, and now Anna! I always get stuck with the boring, gross little boys…”

Anna blushed, hearing herself being compared to the four year old Karissa had mentioned she babysat, getting argued over… It was embarrassing, for sure, but in a nice way.

“I’d be a much better babysitter,” Kiki knelt back down to talk to her. “We could play dress-up all the time, and I’d change you often enough you wouldn’t even need that diaper rash cream.”

Anna winced, those final three words confirming both that she had noticed what Karissa was buying here, and that she knew who it was for, that she’d been able to tell what Anna was wearing beneath her shorts… Not that it was a huge surprise at this point, if she was an experienced babysitter. If the other girls hadn’t put it together, however, they definitely would now, and she was positive she felt their eyes on her, staring at her, at the bulge from her padding as it began to grow warmer again in mortification, which only grew as she wondered if any of them knew what was happening in her pants, making the dribble intensify along with her humiliation.

“I-I don’t,” she whined, shaking her head. “I-It’s not for me…”

Kiki’s eyes sparkled, leaving no doubt that she was just humoring Anna, being condescending the same way she would with any small child. “Oh, my mistake, sweetie. Of course it isn’t! You’re a big girl, aren’t you?” She ruffled Anna’s hair as she straightened back up, looking taller than ever to the soggy, bashful Anna.

“I guess if you’re stuck with her, you can’t hang out,” one of the other girls said with a sigh.

“No, sorry, Lana,” Karissa replied. “Honestly, I probably better get her back home… I’ll tell you all what happened with the study abroad thing at school, okay?”

At school?! Anna’s stomach twisted inside her, hearing those words, realizing that she’d been right, that these girls were her age, and that, apparently, they went to the same school she was going to be attending. What had Karissa been thinking, telling them that she was babysitting Anna, when they were bound to run into her in the halls?! If she hadn’t done that, maybe Kiki wouldn’t have connected the cream to her, or at least wouldn’t have been so confident about it as she said it in front of the others…

Most of the girls waved goodbye, headed off to the snack aisle. Kiki, however, gave Anna a hug, ending it with a blatant diaper pat. “Poor thing… Have you been wet this whole time? Do you want me to clean you up?”

“I didn’t bring her diaper bag,” Karissa snapped. “She’ll be fine until I get her home.”

“Seriously?” Kiki scoffed. “A good babysitter would never forget that.”

“Well, I knew we were only going to be gone a few minutes,” Karissa informed her. “And if I hadn’t run into all of you, we’d be home already.”

“So now she has to sit in her soaked diaper all the way back because you didn’t plan ahead?” Kiki raised an eyebrow disapprovingly.

“I-It isn’t that wet,” Anna interjected quietly, wiggling her bottom to confirm.

“If you have a rash, you don’t want to be wet at all for any length of time,” Kiki lectured her. “That’s just going to make it worse. If I were looking after you, and I was silly enough to not bring along a change, I would buy a fresh package here.”

“She has plenty at home,” Karissa huffed. Anna nibbled her bottom lip, looking between the two girls, sensing a definite rivalry there, one she wasn’t sure she wanted to be caught in the middle of.

Kiki shrugged. “Fine. If you aren’t going to do the responsible thing, I will. What’s your favorite brand, sweetie?”

Anna blinked, almost surprised that either of them remembered she was there, despite her being the object of their argument. “H-Huh?”

Before Anna could react, Kiki was bending over, tugging down her shorts, exposing the top of her diaper for anyone in the store to see. Anna gasped, her diaper warming yet again as she tried in vain to pull her shirt down far enough to hide it, knowing that, if she attempted to yank her shorts out of the bigger girl’s grip, she would have failed even harder.

Kiki looked puzzled as she saw them, frowning slightly. “Hmm,” she said after a moment. “I don’t recognize those…”

That was, maybe, a good thing… If she’d somehow known the brand, there was a good chance it meant she’d spent some time checking out adult diaper brands, the way Anna had before settling on which ones to buy. That would necessarily mean she was an adult baby, too, but likely she’d at least have been aware of them, would have guessed it was possible that was what Anna was, and blew her cover…

Not that Anna was going to be able to maintain it anyway once these girls saw her at school, unless she fell back on her old plan of pretending to be a prodigy who had skipped a few grades… Whether she could ever have actually pulled it off or not, it was certainly going to be more difficult when, at her host family’s house, they all knew her real age.

Anna started to open her mouth, to explain it away. It would be easy enough, since she was from another country, to say it was a brand they had there… Unless Kiki asked a follow-up, wanted to know what it was called, and Anna then had to choose between telling the truth and risking having the girl Google the name later, or trying to make up a lie on the spot.

“Her mom special orders them for her,” Karissa spoke up first. “She prefers her to wear these, so she wouldn’t approve of whatever they have here.”

Anna gave her a grateful look. They might not have been in this situation if Karissa hadn’t introduced her as a babysitting client in the first place, but she did appreciate having someone around who was a faster thinker than her.

“Well, you can always change her again after you get her home,” Kiki told her.

“I don’t…” Karissa began to protest.

“The longer you argue, the more itchy her poor little bottom gets,” Kiki said. “Now, what about Pampers, Anna? Do you want to try those?”

Pampers… The very thought of it sent a shiver of excitement down her spine. She had pondered if baby diapers might fit her, especially when she’d looked them up online and saw they had them in this country, too, and possibly in a bigger size, though they used a different system of measurement so she wasn’t positive about that. She hadn’t wanted to start with those, however, to risk buying herself a whole package of diapers she couldn’t use if they didn’t fit her that she’d then have to find a way to get rid of without her family noticing, asking why she’d had them in the first place.

She stared up at Karissa, half expecting her to say something more, but she seemed to be out of excuses, or perhaps fed up by dealing with her friend’s interference. “Do you?” she rolled her eyes.

Anna got the sense that Karissa wanted her to say no, but she couldn’t help herself. She might feel guilty if Kiki bought them and they didn’t work for her, except the girl was a babysitter, so surely she’d get some use out of the rest of them. Shyly, she nodded in Kiki’s direction. “Great!” Kiki beamed, bounding down the diaper aisle.

“I-I didn’t think she was going to let us go unless I told her yes,” Anna whispered to Karissa, hoping she would buy the lie.

“You might be right,” Karissa sighed. “She is such a pain sometimes…”

She led Anna up to the self check-out, ringing up the diaper rash cream. By the time they were done, Kiki was at the register next to them with a package of Pampers, Anna’s cheeks practically glowing at the sight of them, at the knowledge that they – or at least one of them – were for her.

“Thanks, Kiki,” Karissa told her begrudgingly, reaching for the bag. “You’re probably right… If nothing else, I’ll be able to get this cream on her sooner if I change her here.”

Kiki pulled her shopping bag away, out of Karissa’s reach. “No,” she replied. “I want to do it.”

“What?!” Anna squeaked, blushing even brighter as the two sitters turned their attention to her at the little outburst.

“You really are trying to steal my clients, aren’t you?” Karissa narrowed her eyes.

“Well, I was supposed to get them while you were off on your trip,” Kiki pointed out. “And now you aren’t, so you have all of them already… It’s not fair that you get her, too! Plus, I did buy the Pampers.”

“I really don’t think her parents are interested in switching,” Karissa shrugged.

“If she asks them to, you never know,” Kiki smirked.

They did know; both Karissa and Anna knew that Anna’s parents had nothing to do with this, that they were thousands of miles away. Nothing that Kiki did now to try to impress Anna, to sway her into wanting her as a babysitter, would make any difference… There was something nice – though embarrassing – about the way she was competing for the position, however.

Anna could see the other girls starting to head their way, having, apparently, finally settled on what they wanted to get. Despite the insinuations that had flown around, there was a chance they didn’t all know for a fact that she was in diapers… If they saw Kiki standing there next to her with the pack of Pampers, that would almost definitely change.

“Umm…” she squirmed, not sure how to broach the subject, what she should say or do that wouldn’t hurt the feelings of either of the girls.

“You already bought the diapers,” Karissa said. “Are you seriously going to hold them hostage if Anna isn’t comfortable letting you change her two minutes after meeting you?”

Anna blushed, recalling that it hadn’t been all that much longer, relatively speaking, that she’d known Karissa before asking her to do the same… Or Karissa’s mother… Was she actually going to let yet another stranger change her today?! Especially when it was going to be into a baby diaper, one that she didn’t know for certain would fit her, that seemed risky…

Kiki scowled, sighed. “No, I guess not,” she responded reluctantly. “It should be up to her, though, don’t you think? What do you say, Anna? What do you want?”

Anna blinked, taken aback. She’d assumed, hoped, they were going to work it out between them, one way or the other, so that she wouldn’t have to get involved. Now, they were both looking down at her again, waiting expectantly, their other friends quickly approaching. What was she going to say?!

Should Anna say…

“Kiki can change me.”?

“I want Karissa to change me.”?

Or, “I can just wait until I’m back home.”?

This decision has already been made, but if you’d like to catch up on the story, and help decide where it goes next, you can find it, and other exclusive stories, at my Patreon!